Caroline has just been on the phone, comparing the last six months of 2007 with a chapter in Joris Karl Huysman’s novel A Rebours, where the hero, Des Esseintes, struggles to erase the scent of frangipane from his nostrils. She has been trying to shift something no less persistent and no less annoying, a niggling disappointment that the plot of The Bourne Ultimatum contained no ultimatum.

Caroline is an admirer of the Bourne films and initially she was happy with the latest instalment. However, in the months after seeing it she became consumed with thoughts about the title’s broken promise. Like the haunting scent of almond essence, her feelings of betrayal were unshakeable. Caroline emailed D____ L____ about the matter. She expressed her belief that a title was a pledge that he should ensure even Bourne films meet. She issued a warning: Unless she was guaranteed the next Bourne film delivered in content what it promised in name, she would not be attending the cinema release. The title of her mail was chosen to reflect the conditions she’d laid down; into the subject field she typed, ‘The Bourne Proviso’.

L___’s response was unnervingly swift. In it he glossed quickly over her complaints and then expressed an interest in optioning ‘The Bourne Proviso’ as the title for his next film. Caroline recognised that the balance of power had shifted and she seized the initiative in her reply. She would willingly hand over the rights to ‘The Bourne Proviso’ but her conditions remained. If L______ wanted a proviso in his title he would have to have one in his plot. Caroline was steadfast on this point.

L_____’s next mail contained bad news. It transpired that he had already optioned ‘The Bourne Proviso’ as a title during an exercise he referred to as ‘The Bourne Portentous Word Trawl of 2004’. This was a bitter development to digest. Curiously, Caroline felt just like Noah Vosen in The Bourne Ultimatum when he thinks he’s going to ambush Bourne but then realises he’s been lulled and Bourne is really in his office, helping himself to biscuits.

Caroline was slow to accept her diminished bargaining position (first of all she had to go outside and slam her fist into the roof of her Punto). She sent L_______ titles, like the hyper–expressive ‘Bourne Stuntbucket’, then she moved onto plot proposals, e.g ‘Paddy Considine reappears with his old tricks from Dead Man’s Shoes and Bourne ends up checked into the left luggage at Waterloo (having arrived on the newly restored domestic service from Dorking West)’.

This was her last suggestion. Caroline has moved on now and deleted her Bourne Folder. She’s really looking forward to 2008.

CJ Magnet

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